Anger Management

As a child I learnt a catchy little chorus in Sunday school –

“Root them up
Throw them behind
Four little foxes that spoil the vine
Anger, jealousy, malice and pride
They must never in my heart abide.”

I had occasion to remember these timeless words of wisdom recently when I let anger abide in my heart – as I often do - and faced the unpleasant consequences – as I often do. This time was different though, because this time I promised myself that I will root it up and throw it behind. I decided that I must and will learn from my past mistakes and those of others (if only I had heeded Camille), and grow!

Recently an incident occurred in which I became extremely angry. I must tell you that I felt quite justified in becoming and remaining angry for as long as I pleased because the other party was clearly and unequivocally in the wrong. So why then after the incident, was I, the right one, left nursing an excruciating stomach ache and a feeling of remorse, which disrupted and spoilt my entire evening? This really made me think. At first I chided myself and then, I made a decision not to dwell in self derision, but to learn from my mistakes and move on as Camille reminded us recently in her blog. So move on I did. It was no coincidence to me, of course, when the message at the very next Sunday’s church service was about, guess what –ANGER.

My reaction to this incident is typical of how uncontrolled anger works:

I started to breathe heavily and tremble and could hardly speak. What I did say was spoken in very acid tones and emphasized with dramatic body language. After the ‘guilty’ party left did I calm down and go about my business? Oh no! After all, I was so right and by now I had really worked up some steam so I just had to use it up. I spent the next thirty minutes or so telling everyone who would listen just how angry I was and relating the incident over and over, and over. I felt proud of myself because I had blown my top for a good reason. Eventually I was in so much pain, that I just could not be productive and had to abandon what I was doing. I was officially in a bad mood, and justifiably so.

There you have it – my uncontrolled anger impeded my judgment and ability to think and act rationally. Had I remained calm and rational, I would have put into practice all that I know and teach others about resolving conflict. The conversation would have gone very differently. I would have made it clear that I was offended and why and come to some resolution. I would not have wasted so much of my time and others’, and spared myself hours of pain and anguish.

My reflections on this incident and the sermon have indelibly etched the following truths in my mind:

It’s natural to become angry. I must decide how I will deal with my anger.
Uncontrolled anger has a cost which I cannot afford – time, relationships, health etc. Proverbs 29:22 sums it up nicely - “A hot-tempered man stirs up strife and gets into all kinds of trouble.”
If I am to control my anger I must allow myself to cool down and become less agitated and emotional before reacting. I must reflect to decide on the appropriate response. Proverbs 29:11 says “A fool gives free reign to his anger; a wise man waits and lets it grow cool.”
I must then respond appropriately.

You may have a similar challenge either in your personal life or at work. For instance, as teams work together conflict inevitably arises at some time or another. Team members become angry with one another for various reasons and if anger is not controlled and issues resolved, the desired results could be jeopardized. It suits us therefore to resolve and learn to control our anger and help our team members to do the same.

Once we have crossed the first step and resolved to control anger, it is important to have skills and tools that enable us to reflect and respond appropriately. As I said earlier I know of very effective methods to resolve issues but sometimes fail to use them. When I do use them I have found it extremely effective. For example I have been trained in and train others in the principles, techniques and tools of transformational coaching developed by Thomas Crane of Crane Consulting www.craneconsulting.com and author of the book “The Heart of Coaching”. Growth Facilitators has been partnering with Tom for the past few years.

We believe that teams who embrace coaching are better equipped to deal with conflict because they have the dialogue skills to more quickly resolve issues before they become worse, and to heal poor working relationships. Dialogue is the heart of the Transformational Coaching approach and is described as “the respectful, two-way, open ended flow of communications that balances listening and speaking for the purpose of learning.” In the Transformational Coaching Workshop, participants explore the nature of true dialogue, and learn and practice several techniques for engaging in effective dialogue in varying situations.

Consider for example how understanding and practicing the following truths about dialogue can assist in responding appropriately when angry. One could use dialogue to learn rather than using words to protect – whether it is your rights, pride, or position of power. So for example I would listen to understand rather than to argue, and clarify with questions instead of setting out to prove wrong.


I have taken the first step. I have resolved to manage my anger. I already possess the skills and tools in transformational coaching. Practice makes perfect - the next step is to use them!

If this is a challenge for you as well, please join me and manage your anger. We can do it – “yes we can”!